Oh, you are, are you? –Calvin's Dad

Oh, you are, are you? –Calvin

Knock it off, Calvin.  That's very annoying. –Calvin's Dad

Knock it off, Calvin.  That's very annoying. –Calvin

I forfeit all my desserts for a week. –Calvin's Dad

Okay, give them to me. –Calvin

Ha ha.  Why don't you go bother your mother for a while? –Calvin's Dad

My, this game does teach new words! –Hobbes

Psst...Susie!  What's 12 + 7? –Calvin

A billion. –Susie

Thanks!  Wait a minute.  That can’t be right...that's what she said 3 + 4 was. –Calvin

Sometimes I wish I lived in a neighborhood with more kids. –Calvin

I always have to postpone what I want to do for what I have to do! –Calvin

I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life. –Calvin

Work, work, work!  That's all I'm good for around here! –Calvin

I hardly think picking up your room once in a while qualifies you as a slave. –Calvin's mom

It's ME, Calvin!  Let me up, you hairball barfer! –Calvin

Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch. –Calvin

SOOOOOSIE IS A BOOGER BRAAINN! –Calvin

Booger balls are illegal! –Calvin

Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich. –Calvin

Art is dead. –Calvin

My spirit of checkers is kicking your spirit of checkers across the room! –Calvin

But what if good is more than just the absence of evil? –Hobbes

I think Santa would rather have a cold beer. -Calvin's Dad

You need to take more pride in what you do. -Calvin's Mom

Have you noticed that earth's gravity is exceptionally strong today? –Calvin

Moms are supposed to fix everything up just right. –Calvin

There is no problem that cannot be made worse by adding guilt. –Calvin

No one can prove that I did that. –Calvin

I don't mind if he cleans my room and gets me good grades, but when he starts talking to girls that's going too darn far. –Calvin

Little kids never bathe. –Hobbes

I bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls for your stalking this year. –Hobbes

The playground is a lot more fun after school starts. –Calvin

My life needs a rewind/erase button. –Calvin

And a volume control. –Hobbes

The tooth fairy's gonna make you rich tonight Susie. –Calvin

Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. –Hobbes

Hello Dad!  It is now three in the morning.  Do you know where I am? –Calvin

It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool. –Calvin

How come we play war and not peace? –Hobbes

Too few role models. –Calvin

Do you think there is a God? –Hobbes

Well somebody's out to get me! –Calvin

I love Saturday morning cartoons.  What classic humor!  This is what entertainment is all about...idiots, explosives and falling anvils. –Calvin

Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health. –Calvin

From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do!  The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success...I'm just here to cash in. –Calvin

Mom and Dad can make the rules and certain things forbid, but I can make them wish that they had never had a kid. –Calvin

I keep forgetting that rules are for little nice people. –Calvin

Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery. –Calvin

Bug bites build character. –Calvin's Dad

Yeah, and last year you said diarrhea builds character. –Calvin

So think what a fine young man you're growing up to be. –Calvin's Dad

If all this character doesn't kill me first. –Calvin

Every time I've built character, I've regretted it. –Calvin

Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character. -Calvin

I've been thinking, Hobbes. –Calvin

On a weekend? –Hobbes

Well, it wasn't on purpose. –Calvin

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. –Calvin

I don't need parents.  All I need is a recording that says, "Go play outside!" –Calvin

Why would she need another kid??  She's already got me! –Calvin

Yes, you'd think she'd have learned her lesson... –Hobbes

Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom? –Calvin

You know how old people always write letters to Dear Abby, complaining that their kids never write, call or visit?  Those letters really crack me up. –Calvin

Well, being a tiger is more than just stripes, you realize. –Hobbes

That's one of the remarkable things about life.  It's never so bad that it can't get worse. –Calvin

I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple. –Calvin

We should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment. -Calvin's Dad

The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing. –Susie

You can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger! –Hobbes

Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying. –Calvin

But for my own example, I'd never believe one little kid could have so much brains! –Calvin

My brain always rejects attitude transplants. –Calvin

DROP DEAD, CALVIN. –Susie

Our class voted Calvin the "Most likely to be seen on the news someday". –Susie

If there's more to life than this, I don't know what it is. –Calvin

Mom, can we go out to the highway? –Calvin

Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? –Hobbes

...either this is my lucky day, or I missed the end-of-recess bell again. –Calvin

There's no head rest on this chair!  I should sue for whiplash! –Calvin

I wish I lived someplace where I went to a normal bus stop. –Susie

I'm a simple man with complex tastes. –Calvin

This clean, wholesome television!  Ughh, it makes me sick. –Calvin

Forget it Calvin, I'm not playing with you anymore. –Susie

Calvin, you are so weird.  I'm not even going to talk to you. –Susie

There's more to this world than just people, you know. –Hobbes

Why should I have to WORK for everything?!  It's like saying I don't deserve it! –Calvin

I think animals are always so cute. –Hobbes

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know. –Calvin

Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask, right? –Calvin

I'm being educated against my will!  My rights are being trampled! –Calvin

Is it a right to remain ignorant? –Hobbes

I don't know, but I refuse to find out! –Calvin

I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them.  I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity.  With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! –Calvin

To make a bad day worse; spend it wishing for the impossible. –Calvin

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help. –Calvin

What's the point of wearing your favorite rocket ship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em? –Calvin

I'd hate to have a kid like me. –Calvin

I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge. –Calvin

If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some! –Hobbes

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. –Calvin

If mom and dad cared about me at all, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles. –Calvin

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again. –Calvin

Reality continues to ruin my life. –Calvin

What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up? –Calvin

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. –Calvin

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point. –Calvin

Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what. –Calvin

Do you hate being a girl?  What's it like?  Is it like being a bug?  I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to comprehend the magnitude of it. –Calvin

Childhood is short, maturity is forever. –Calvin

If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it. –Hobbes

I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. –Calvin

True friends are hard to come by...I need more money. –Calvin

Susie, if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front.  Do not call the police.  You cannot trace us.  You cannot find us.  Sincerely, Calvin. –Calvin

Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them. –Hobbes

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. –Calvin

Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? –Calvin

Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination. –Calvin

There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is. –Calvin

There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse! –Calvin

So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met? –Calvin

I don't know which is worse ...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low. –Calvin

When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote.  That way I can complain when the government doesn't represent me.  Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation. –Calvin

The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! –Calvin

I hate it when I can't gird my loins with funny animals. –Calvin

Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul! –Calvin

You know how people are.  They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it. –Calvin

History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction.  That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change.  We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. –Calvin

It's not the pace of life I mind.  It's the sudden stop at the end. –Calvin

The best presents don't come in boxes. –Hobbes

As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. –Calvin

Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. –Calvin

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. –Calvin

It's only work if somebody makes you do it. –Calvin

In my opinion, television validates existence. –Calvin

Life is like topography, Hobbes.  There are summits of happiness and success... ...Flat stretches of boring routine... ...And valleys of frustration and failure. –Calvin

Reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension. –Calvin

What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking...And suddenly you wake up. –Calvin

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. –Calvin

The good thing about drawing a tiger is that it automatically makes your picture fine art. –Hobbes

You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human. -Hobbes

I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already. –Hobbes

You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid?  Well, mine are even worse! –Calvin

A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do. -Calvin

I'M SIGNIFICANT!...screamed the dust speck. -Calvin

The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the things I'm getting blamed for. -Calvin

Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time. -Calvin's Dad

Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?! -Calvin

You can present the material, but you can't make me care. -Calvin

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. –Calvin

From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way. –Calvin

Shouldn't we read the instructions? –Hobbes

Do I look like a sissy? -Calvin

I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment. –Calvin

If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are? -Hobbes

If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. –Calvin

Life is full of surprises but never when you need one. -Calvin

YAAH!  DEATH TO OATMEAL! -Calvin

I like to say "quark"!  Quark, quark, quark, quark! -Calvin

Sometimes it seems things go by too quickly.  We are so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are. -Calvin

Mom knows EVERYTHING. –Calvin

Nothing I do is my fault. -Calvin